Angels on Earth
by AEGURLKaitlin
Summary: Joan gets a new misson from God, to volunteer at the children's hospital. Read and review! UPDATED Chapters FIVE and SIX PLEASE READ AND REVIEW
1. Chapter 1

A/N- This is my first Joan of Arcadia Fan fiction. I do not own Joan, her family, or any of the other characters who appear on the show. I do not own the rights to the story either. Pretty much, I don't own anything. With that said, please enjoy my story and leave feedback.  
  
Angels on Earth  
  
Joan sat starring at the back of her brother's head during 3rd period AP Chem. She understood why God had requested she join AP chemistry in the first place, so that she would meet Adam and in doing so, get Kevin a job. But she simply could not understand why she had to STAY in AP Chem. She hated the class, and hated it even more now that Adam hated her. Hate, hate, and more hate. She wondered why God had created a world with such hate. She still could not fully grasp the meanings of the world. Just last night she had talked to Rocky's mother, the little boy she babysat. Apparently he was not doing well at all. This news upset Joan greatly, she could not understand why God would put a child on Earth, only to have him live a short life filled with illness. Joan was jolted from her thoughts as the bell rang.  
  
"Joan, what's up? Looked like you had some pretty intense thoughts running through your head. Were you trying to understand the chemistry or just thinking about how hot you think Justin Timberlake is?" Grace Polk asked coming up behind Joan, giving her a slap on the back and laughing.  
  
"I was contemplating the great mysteries of the world actually."  
  
"Yeah right, you?? What, why your hair stands up like it does on some days? Like I said, sometimes I just think about it and laugh."  
  
"Never mind Grace, you wouldn't understand." Joan said, almost snapping.  
  
"Wow, testy!" Grace said, holding her hands up in defense.  
  
"Sorry I've just got a lot on my mind."  
  
"Like what? Adam?"  
  
"Among other things."  
  
"Look Joan, don't worry, I'll talk to him okay?"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Thanks Grace."  
  
"No problem, just don't let it get around the school that I've actually done something nice. I've got my reputation you know."  
  
"Yep, no problem, but we better hurry or we'll be late to our next class."  
  
Grace waved her hand dismissively, "I told you Joan, I've got a reputation to keep, and that won't happen if I show up on time for a class."  
  
"Right, see ya then." Joan said with a nod as she rushed off.  
  
Joan was once again lost in thought as she walked home after school. Luke had to stay late, and her mother had some work to catch up on so she agreed to just take Luke home herself. Joan was walking particularly slow, not really anxious to get home. She walked passed the playground and took a peek inside, almost half expecting to see the adorable big eyed, curly haired little girl God. No such luck, Joan let out a sigh of relief, she was not in the mood to talk to God, but that was usually when God decided He wanted to talk to Joan. She walked further along, humming the song Angel, almost completely unaware of her surroundings. She turned around when she heard the cheery bells of the Ice Cream truck.  
  
"That's odd, Ice Cream in November?" she said aloud to herself. As she continued to walk, the Ice Cream truck pulled up beside her and came to a stop.  
  
Puzzled, she said, "I don't want any ice cream today thanks."  
  
"Oh sure you do, it's your favorite. I think I may even have some of your favorite flavor Cookie Dough. Which by the way, I saw you eat straight out of the carton when you though no one was watching."  
  
"God?" Joan sighed, almost exasperated.  
  
"But of course."  
  
"God serves ice cream?"  
  
"I am everywhere, I do everything."  
  
"That's almost cryptic." Joan said with a slight laugh. "So what do you want me to do today God? Ask the school bully to the dance or break my best friend's heart."  
  
"I told you Joan, I have a reason for everything. You altered the course of many peoples lives, and saved a dozen people by asking Ramsey to the dance."  
  
Joan sighed, "I know, it's just..sometimes I doubt."  
  
"Doubt me? My reasons? That's human nature; everyone has his or her doubts about something. But still, you trust, that's part of faith Joan, trusting in what cannot be explained or grasped by the simple human mind."  
  
"So now you're insulting me?"  
  
"Well, you've insulted me before Joan."  
  
"What are we, five?"  
  
"No, actually, you're 16, and I am not of any age. Remember Joan, I am not bound by time."  
  
"What do you want me to do?" Joan said, ignoring his last comment. "If I stand here talking to you much longer people will think I'm strange."  
  
"I want you to love Joan. I want you to love, learn, listen, and comfort.  
  
"In other words..."  
  
"I want you to volunteer at the Children's Hospital."  
  
"Sounds simple enough, I'll volunteer on the surgery floor or something and file papers."  
  
"No Joan...I knew you'd say that. I want you to volunteer on the Oncology unit."  
  
"Oncology?"  
  
"Cancer Joan."  
  
Joan's face changed to one of shock as she recoiled at the sound of the word. "You want me to volunteer on the floor that treats children with cancer."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But...those kids die."  
  
"Yes Joan they do..but there are lessons to be learned and children to be loved. Worry about their now, in the very moment you are spending with them, not their future."  
  
Joan shook her head, she could not begin to understand why. "And if I don't?"  
  
"I told you Joan, you have free will, but I'd hope that you've come to trust me enough to know that I would only request you do this for the greater good."  
  
"Right," Joan nodded, "the greater good." And with that she walked off in the opposite direction towards the Children's Hospital. God simply smiled, satisfied.  
  
Joan almost gagged on the all too familiar smell of the hospital as she walked inside. She wanted to turn around and leave, but she didn't. The faces of the lives she saved by obeying God kept flashing in her mind. These pictures alone allowed her the strength to walk up to the desk.  
  
"Um, hi, I'm Joan Girardi, I'm interested in volunteering on the Oncology floor."  
  
The nurse at the desk looked a little surprised, but smiled at Joan and nodded. "Of course, I can take you up there if you like, it's the 5th floor."  
  
"Thank you." Joan said, thankful for the woman's company.  
  
"They really need people up there. A lot of times it's hard to find volunteers to work with the sickest kids, they're too afraid they'll have their hearts broken."  
  
"Will they?"  
  
The nurse nodded, "Yes, whenever you work with medically fragile kids you risk getting your heart broken. But you also can almost guarantee smiles, laughs, and lots of love."  
  
"Medically fragile?"  
  
"Yes, the very sick, the dying, the ones with terminal illnesses."  
  
"I babysat a little boy with Cystic Fibrosis for a couple of days."  
  
The nurse smiled sadly, "Well then, you know just what you're getting yourself into then, don't you dear?" The nurse said as she stepped off the elevator onto the 5th floor. Joan simply shrugged.  
  
"Here we are." The nurse said as she lead Joan into the spacious hall. The walls were painted brightly with a mural of a beautiful field of flowers and a vast blue sky.  
  
"Wow." Joan said looking around. The halls were lined with medical equipment, and strangely enough wagons. There were children, some bald, some not, riding their IV poles through the halls.  
  
Approaching another nurse, the nurse Joan had been following said, "Sarah, this is Joan Girardi, she is interested in volunteering up here for you guys."  
  
Sarah smiled and extended her hand, "It's very nice to meet you Joan."  
  
"Thanks, it's nice to meet you too."  
  
"Well Joan, I'm going to leave you in the very capable hands of Sarah. If you need anything while you're visiting here just come find me, I'm Erin by the way." The pretty nurse said, turning to leave.  
  
"Thanks." Joan said waving.  
  
"So Joan, how old are you?" Sarah said, leading Joan to the nurse's desk.  
  
"Sixteen."  
  
"Fabulous." Sarah said clapping her hands, "Just old enough to volunteer."  
  
"Well Joan, I'll just need to go over some rules with you and have you fill out some forms, and you can even start today if you like."  
  
"Great." Joan said smiling.  
  
"Girardi, is your father the Chief of police?"  
  
"Yes, he is."  
  
"Wonderful, I hear he is a great man. We'll be lucky to have his daughter working here."  
  
Sarah talked to Joan as she filled out some papers. "We just have some basic rules, the main one is you must never come in if you have so much as a sniffle, these kids have no immune systems and a simple cold could kill them. Hand washing is important anytime you go from one child to the next. Of course, we have to keep our patients medical information confidential. But most importantly, have fun. These children really need some light in their lives."  
  
"I can handle that." Joan said, a smile slowly spreading across her face. She was beginning to like the idea of helping sick children. Little did Joan know, the children would really be helping her. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Thanks for the reviews you guys  
  
After Joan had finished filling out all the papers, she handed them to Sarah and smiled.  
  
"Thanks Joan, so will you be staying this afternoon?"  
  
"Uh, yeah, I guess I could manage that, just let me call home and leave a message."  
  
"Sure, the phone is just over there." Sarah waited for Joan to call home, and then offered to give her a tour of the floor.  
  
"Down this hall are the patient rooms, they each have a different theme. There are four play and activity rooms located on this floor, plus a teen room and a movie room. They are scattered throughout the unit." Joan noticed how beautiful everything was. "Down this hall and through those doors is the BMT unit."  
  
"BMT unit?" Joan asked puzzled.  
  
"Yes, the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit. Those kids are the sickest of the sick and the most in danger of getting germs. Chances are you won't be volunteering down there." Joan shook her head to clear her mind of the image of sick children and she followed Sarah on more of her tour. "Down here are the chemotherapy rooms, there are TV's for every chair, because chemo can take a while and the kids get bored. Over there is the kitchen, the kids get anything they want to eat anytime they ask within reason because we are so desperate to keep them eating. Any questions so far?"  
  
Joan shook her head, "Nope."  
  
"Great then, if you don't mind I'm going to leave you with a little one who could really use some company. Her name is Emma and she's got a very aggressive cancer called Neuroblastoma, it's one of the hardest to treat. She's in the chemo room right now, and her parents can't be with her because they have to work."  
  
"How old is she?"  
  
"Six."  
  
"Six years old and all alone in the hospital?"  
  
"No, not really, the kids here are never alone. We make sure to take good care of them while their parents can't be here. Cancer is extremely taxing on the family." Sarah said before leading Joan into the brightly painted Chemo room.  
  
"Sarah!!!" A small child squealed from her seat in one of the large chemo chairs, much to large for a child's small body.  
  
"Hi sweetie, I've got someone to sit with you, how does that sound?"  
  
"Great!" Emma said happily.  
  
"This is Joan." Sarah said pointing to her.  
  
Joan smiled and waved, "Hi Emma."  
  
"Hi Joan! Like Joan of Arc?? I love Joan of Arc, she's real neat."  
  
Sarah smiled as she saw the shocked expression come across Joan's face, " I know, she's a smart little cookie huh? Well, I'll leave you two alone, if you need anything, get a nurse, if not after Emma is unhooked from her chemo you two can go to the playroom if you like." Sarah said as she turned to leave.  
  
Joan looked back at the small frail child in the seat and smiled. She was bald and looked exhausted, but her blue eyes were wide and full of life and joy. "So you like Joan of Arc huh?"  
  
"Yep, I love history, all history, but especially the really cool girls cause girls rule!" The child chattered excitedly.  
  
Joan smiled and nodded, "Well, I don't much like history, but I did like the Joan of Arc part."  
  
"You're really pretty Joan." Emma said, lifting a small hand to touch Joan's long hair.  
  
"Well thank you sweetie, I think you're real pretty too." Joan said, a hint of uncertainty in her voice.  
  
" I only gots a few more minutes of chemo and then we can go to the playroom okay?"  
  
"Okay Emma, that sounds like fun to me." Joan was almost taken aback at how much love she already felt for the child.  
  
"This is my stuffed pig Wheezy." She said, holding up a soft, adorable pink pig.  
  
"She's cute. You like pigs?"  
  
"I love pigs!"  
  
" I like lambs, I have a bunch of stuffed lambs."  
  
"Wow, grown ups can have stuffed animals too?"  
  
"Of course, but I'm hardly a grown up Emma. So what would you like to do until your chemo is done?"  
  
"Will you read me a story?"  
  
"Sure." Joan said as she opened up an old children's book.  
  
Once Emma was finished with her chemo, a nurse hooked her up to some fluids, put a mask over her face to reduce the risk of infection, and sent her and Joan off to the playroom. They played Barbies, Play- Dough, painted, drew, built with blocks, and played a few video games for an hour and a half. The amount of energy and spunk that Emma had amazed Joan, even when Emma threw up, she would go right back to playing. The Child Life Specialist in the playroom explained to Joan that the chemo made Emma throw up. After playing for a long while, Emma finally tired and curled up in Joan's lap.  
  
"Looks like this little one is ready for a rest." Sarah said walking into the playroom.  
  
Joan nodded and stood carefully; Emma stirred, but placed her head on Joan's shoulder and went to sleep.  
  
"Are you okay to carry her?"  
  
"Oh yeah, sure, it's not a problem."  
  
"I'll show you where her room is." Sarah said picking up the child's stuffed pig.  
  
When they reached Emma's room, Joan carefully placed the sleeping child on the bed, covered her up, and removed her mask.  
  
"You're a natural." Sarah said smiling.  
  
"Really?" Sarah nodded.  
  
"Should I stay with her?"  
  
"Oh no, she'll be fine, her parents will be back by the time she wakes up." Sarah said as she untangled some IV lines.  
  
Once Emma was settled and Joan and Sarah went out in the hall Sarah turned to Joan, "She's a real heartbreaker huh?"  
  
Joan nodded, "Oh yeah, she's seems special..I can't really put my finger on it."  
  
"Oh, they're all like that. They're old souls in little bodies with many a lesson to teach."  
  
"How long has Emma been sick?"  
  
"Nearly three years, I'm afraid we may be approaching the end of the journey with that little one. There's not too much more modern medicine can do for her."  
  
"So..she's going to die soon?"  
  
"I don't know, there's always the exception, the one who does make it, the one who gets a miracle."  
  
Joan nodded and contemplated Sarah's words to her as she headed back to the playroom to help with other children.  
  
"So why are you here?" A girl about 12 asked Joan as she watched her clean up the art table.  
  
"Excuse me?" Joan said turning to the girl. She was bald and thin.  
  
"You know...volunteer points, school project, want to feel like you're doing something "good", or the ever popular you just want to help."  
  
"I guess I just want to help." Joan said, knowing full well that if God had not asked her, she would not be there.  
  
"So why the oncology floor? Dying usually scares people, especially dying children."  
  
"Dying? Are you all dying."  
  
"Oh, everyone in the WORLD is dying, me and the kids on this floor are just doing it a little sooner than everyone else."  
  
Joan was shocked, those were almost the exact words Rocky had spoken to her a few weeks earlier.  
  
"Officially though, I've been dying for 5 years."  
  
"5 years?"  
  
"Yep, I've been fighting this monster for 5 years."  
  
"So actually, you've been living for 5 years."  
  
The girl shrugged, "You can't escape the inevitable." Sensing Joan was uncomfortable, she changed the subject, "So what's your name?"  
  
"Joan."  
  
"Hi Joan, I'm Kait."  
  
"Hey Kait."  
  
"Come with me," Kait said, dragging her pole with one hand, and taking Joan's hand with her free one, "I want to show you something."  
  
Kait lead Joan out into the hall and stopped in front of two big bulletin boards, covered with pictures of children. Above one the word "Angels" was printed, and above the other the word "Survivor was printed."  
  
"This was my best friend Hannah." Kait said pointing to a picture of a beautiful girl on the Angels board. "She died sixth months ago of the same cancer I'm fighting now."  
  
Joan choked back tears as she looked at each of the bulletins. "But..almost as many die as live."  
  
Kait nodded, "Yep, that's Payton. She was two" She said pointing to another face on the board.  
  
"And that's her twin sister Elizabeth, she survived."  
  
"They both got cancer?"  
  
Kait nodded again, "That's Eric, he was also mine and Hannah's friend, he died a few weeks after Hannah."  
  
Joan was overwhelmed by all the information she was being given, Kait sensed this and took her hand, "It's okay..it happens, they don't hurt anymore. I just wanted to show you what we're up against."  
  
Joan forced a smile, she appreciated Kait's honesty.  
  
"Come on, you wanna watch a movie with me?" Kait said leading her away.  
  
"Sure." Joan said following, but the faces of the children lost were forever etched in her mind. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
Joan left the hospital that evening feeling more fulfilled than she had in years. She still wasn't aware of why God had given her this mission, but she knew in her heart that it felt right.  
  
"I'm home." Joan said as she walked into her family's spacious house.  
  
"Hi honey, I got your message and I'm very proud of you. A little confused, but proud." Her mother said as she set the table.  
  
"What message?" Will asked. He'd just come in from a long day at work.  
  
"Joan is working at the Children's Hospital.....with the Oncology kids right?"  
  
Joan nodded.  
  
"Are you sure that's wise honey? You may be setting yourself up for some major heartbreak."  
  
"Oh Will, leave her alone. She knows what she wants to do, and no one gets through life without a little heartbreak.  
  
Joan rolled her eyes, "I'll be fine daddy."  
  
Later that night and through out the next day at school, Joan found herself anxious for the day to end so she could get back to the hospital. She felt she had really found her place in the world.  
  
When Joan arrived at the hospital the next day she was happy to find Emma looking well and playing in the playroom with Kait.  
  
"JOAN!!!" Emma squealed with delight, jumping into Joan's open arms.  
  
"Hey there you cute little thing, how are you today?"  
  
"I'm good!"  
  
"Hey Kait." Joan said waving as she rubbed Emma's back.  
  
"Hi Joan! Joan, these are my friends Kayla, Madeline, Cody, Justin, and Christi, guys this is Joan, she's a new volunteer."  
  
"Oh, fresh blood." Justin said sarcastically.  
  
Kayla rolled her eyes, "Ignore him Joan, the cancer has gone to his brain."  
  
Joan's mouth hung open at this remark, but Justin gave a wave of his hand and dismissed the comment, "It's okay, just a little black humor."  
  
"What Justin MEANT in his joke was that most of the volunteers just don't hang around here too long. I think we've met about 100 people over the past few months and they're gone as quick as they come. They get attached to one patient and then the patient dies and it's over."  
  
"But...what about the patients who are still living?"  
  
"It only takes watching one person succumb to cancer to turn you off to the whole deal completely, trust me." Joan squirmed a little at the thought.  
  
Sensing Joan's uneasiness, Kait spoke up, "We really don't talk about this sad stuff all the time, but the thoughts do get to you. Come on you guys, give Joan a break, she's new. Besides Joan, I think there's someone Emma really wants you to meet."  
  
Joan looked into Emma's eyes, having momentarily forgotten that the child was in her arms. Emma smiled, "I want you to meet my bestest friend ever, come on!"  
  
"Well, you just point me in the right direction." Joan followed Emma's instructions through the twists and turns of the hospital halls. Finally, they reached the correct room.  
  
"Joan, this is my bestest friend Lexi." The small child said, pointing to a frail child lying on the bed. "Lexi, this is my new friend Joan, she's all grown up and she's really nice."  
  
"Hi Lexi." Joan said, swallowing the lump in her throat. Lexi looked terribly sick, but Emma did not seem the least bit put off.  
  
Lexi smiled and waved. "She's a little shy." Emma whispered in Joan's ear.  
  
"It's okay Lexi, you don't have to be shy."  
  
"You're not a doctor right?"  
  
Joan looked confused for a minute but then shook her head, "Nope."  
  
"So no shots?"  
  
"No, no shots from me anyway." Relief spread across Lexi's face.  
  
"Well, then you can be my friend too."  
  
"Good, I'll have the two cutest friends of any of the other volunteers on the oncology floor."  
  
Emma giggled, "We're not cute."  
  
"Sure you are, you're cute as two little buttons."  
  
"I've never really understood that, are buttons really cute? Cause I haven't seen a real cute button in a long time." Lexi asked, looking perplexed.  
  
Joan laughed, "I don't know, you sure are clever, how old are you?"  
  
"I'm seven."  
  
"Well, you're a very wise seven."  
  
Lexi nodded, "Yeah, my mommy said my cancer must have come with some extra brain cells. I'd take not being so smart over havin' cancer any day!"  
  
"Where are you from Lexi? You sound like you're from the south."  
  
Lexi giggled and nodded, "Yep, I'm from Georgia, but my mommy and daddy moved us up here when I got cancer cause this hospital had some hope for me."  
  
Joan simply nodded and looked from Lexi to Emma. She thought about the countless other children who suffered, the families who gave up almost everything in an attempt to save them, the doctors and nurses who devoted their lives to dying children, and the God who had the power to save them, but didn't. She simply couldn't understand. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
Joan ran through the doors of the hospital, excited to be returning. It had been four weeks since she started volunteering at the hospital. Although she was only required to volunteer 8 hours a week at the hospital, she found herself coming each day after school let out at two and staying until eight. She simply couldn't seem to pull herself away from the children she'd grown to love and cherish so quickly.  
  
"Hi Joan, how are you today?" Sarah, Joan's favorite nurse greeted her.  
  
"I'm fine, how are you?"  
  
"Can't complain. Most of the kids are in the Play Room, Child Life is working with them today, you can go on in. Have you met Mallory our Child Life Specialist yet?"  
  
"No, I don't think so."  
  
"She's a wonderful woman with a beautiful soul, you'll love her."  
  
Joan walked into the playroom and found most of the younger children from the Oncology Floor gathered around a beautiful young woman with long blonde curly hair. She was reading them a book about having cancer. Kait and the other older children were off doing their own things. Joan figured Mallory must work with the different age groups separately. Joan scanned the room and spotted Emma, who had already seen her favorite person in the world and was waving madly.  
  
"Hi." Joan waved, walking to sit by Emma. She was a little embarrassed to be interrupting the session. Mallory simply smiled at Joan as Emma wrapped her arms around Joan's neck. When Mallory finished reading the book, Emma grabbed Joan's hand and proceeded to introduce Joan to Mallory.  
  
"Mallory, this is Joan, she's a volunteer and she's my best friend." Emma said, struggling to climb up into Joan's lap.  
  
"Hi Joan, it's nice to meet you, I'm Mallory, the Child Life Specialist."  
  
Before Joan could reply, one of the nurses came into the room and stood before Emma and Joan.  
  
"Come on little one, time for me to hook up some fluids."  
  
Emma simply sighed at the inconvenience, "Can't we just do it in here?"  
  
"Nope, you know the rule, no treatments in the playroom, come on now, I'll bring you right back." The nurse said as she bent to pick up Emma and left the room.  
  
Mallory smiled, "Wow, she really seems to love you."  
  
Joan nodded, "Well, it's mutual, she's a heartbreaker, all these kids are."  
  
"I know they suck you in don't they?"  
  
"Sure do. So what exactly is a Child Life Specialist?"  
  
"Well, our job is pretty much to care for the emotional needs of the child. Growing up in the hospital is not easy. We make sure their minds and souls are allowed to flourish and develop. We work with them on pain management and prepare them for scary procedures through medical play. We also take care of their parents and brothers and sisters."  
  
"Wow, that's awesome, how'd you get interested in this? I've never even heard of Child Life."  
  
"Neither had I until seven years ago, I was seventeen and my four year old sister was diagnosed with cancer."  
  
"I'm so sorry."  
  
"Don't be, I learned so much from her, we all did."  
  
"Did she make it?" Joan was almost afraid to ask.  
  
Mallory shook her head, "No, she passed away, but that's why I'm here now."  
  
"How awful."  
  
"It is awful, even now, every single time we lose another little one. But let me tell you Joan, don't give up on this, on them, in the end the lessons you learn are all worth it. I've learned that sickness and suffering happen no matter how old or young we are; that having people we love around us makes suffering somehow more bearable; that it takes courage to experience life completely in the middle of indescribable pain; that every second we are alive is important, and our impact on this world is not measured in years. Most importantly Joan, I've learned that the most important lessons in life can be learned from infants, children, and teen who never get the chance to grow up."  
  
"You must really love your work."  
  
Mallory smiled, "Not as much as I love the kids my work brings to me."  
  
"Hey Mallory, can I ask you a question?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Why aren't they allowed to do any treatments in the playroom?"  
  
"Oh, the playrooms and teen rooms are the kids "safety zones" no doctors or nurses or anyone can come in any of these rooms and do anything painful or scary to them. They have to leave the playroom for that. It's pretty much their own escape."  
  
"That's good."  
  
Mallory nodded, "And necessary."  
  
Joan turned as she heard the door to the playroom open. There was Emma dragging her IV pole behind her, "I'm baaaaaaccck!" She squealed, walking over to Joan and climbing back in her lap.  
  
"Hey cutie." Emma began twirling her fingers through Joan's long hair, it was obvious to Joan that Emma missed her own hair.  
  
"Well you two, I'm going to go work on some finger paints with the other kids, it was nice to meet you Joan, I'll see you around."  
  
"Nice to meet you too Mallory, thanks for talking to me."  
  
"No problem."  
  
"So Miss Emma, what are we going to do today little one?"  
  
Emma turned her head to the side and grinned, "Let's go play with Lexi, she's sad today."  
  
"Alright, let's go then."  
  
Joan carried Emma to Lexi's room and peeked inside. Lexi looked terribly thin and frail, her skin was yellow and she was hooked up to oxygen, but she was awake and watching TV. Joan forced a smile as she walked inside.  
  
"Hey Sugar Pie, how are you today?" Joan said placing Emma on Lexi's bed, Emma was unfazed by her best friends appearance and crawled up right beside Lexi and laid down.  
  
"I miss my mommy." Lexi replied, huge tears welling in her eyes.  
  
Joan sat down next to her and wiped a tear away, she was surprised at how quickly she'd gotten over the child's outer appearance. "Where is she?"  
  
"She's in the adult hospital."  
  
"Is she okay?" Lexi nodded, "She's havin' a baby, I just miss her, I want to go see her but I can't 'til the baby's born."  
  
Joan nodded, she thought of Lexi's mother and father, and immediately felt sorry for them, torn between two children. "Well, should we do something to take your mind off of things for a while?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What do you two want to do?"  
  
"How bout we go to the gift shop?"  
  
"Good idea." Joan stood, waiting for Lexi and Emma to join her, but neither girl moved. Emma motioned for Joan to come closer to her.  
  
"Lexi can't walk anymore." Emma whispered.  
  
"Oh, okay, well, I'll be right back then." Joan went into the hall to find a wheel chair, knowing she couldn't manage Lexi and Emma, plus their poles and Lexi's oxygen.  
  
Joan ran into another nurse Lisa in the hall, "Can I take Lexi and Emma down to the gift shop?"  
  
Lisa smiled and nodded, "That would be wonderful for both the girls."  
  
"Can you get me a wheel chair or something?"  
  
"Actually, I have something better." Lisa said, motioning for Joan to follow her.  
  
"How is Lexi anyway?"  
  
"Not good, I don't think she has much longer, the cancer's gone to her liver, that's why she's so yellow, she's jaundice. Ah, here we go." Lisa said, pulling out a wagon.  
  
"A wagon?" Joan looked perplexed, the toy seemed so out of place around such sick children.  
  
"Sure, the kids love them so much more than wheel chairs, just put some pillows and blankets in there. Have fun with the girls, if you need anything just call up here from a phone downstairs."  
  
"Thanks Lisa." Joan said as she began to pull the wagon back to Lexi's room.  
  
After making sure the wagon was comfortable, Joan turned to the two girls on the bed and said, "Your chariot awaits." This got a giggle out of Emma and a smile out of Lexi. First Joan picked up Emma, placed her in the wagon, and secured a mask around her face. Then, she carefully picked up Lexi, almost terrified that the child would break right there in her arms. She made sure Lexi had a mask on her face, and put Lexi's oxygen tank in the wagon with the girls. She was absolutely shocked at just how light Lexi felt, and she wondered how much longer she could hang on to life.  
  
Navigating the wagon and both IV poles down to the first floor gift shop was difficult, but Joan managed. She smiled as she listened to Lexi and Emma chatter about everyday childhood things like cartoons and toys. An hour later, Joan returned to Lexi's room with two exhausted little girls.  
  
"Come snuggle with us, please Joan?" Lexi asked after Joan had gotten both girls back into Lexi's bed.  
  
"Yeah, pretty please Joan."  
  
"I don't know guys..." Joan said, apprehensive about all the wires and tubes.  
  
"My mommy always snuggles with me, please?"  
  
Joan sighed and gave in, she simply couldn't resist their huge pleading eyes. She climbed up on the hospital bed and wrapped her arms around both the girls. "Happy?"  
  
Lexi and Emma both smiled and nodded, "Now let's watch a movie." Before the previews on the DVD had ended, both Lexi and Emma were sound asleep.  
  
Joan startled with a knock at the door, "Come in." She called out Sarah smiled when she walked in the room, Lexi and Emma were curled up on each side of Joan, holding hands and sleeping soundly.  
  
"They got you huh?" Sarah asked.  
  
"Sure did."  
  
"This is just too precious, I have to get a picture." Both Lexi and Emma stirred with the flash of the camera.  
  
"Hi Sarah." Emma said, rubbing her eyes sleepily.  
  
"Hey kiddo, your parents should be here in a few minutes so I'm going to take you back to your room so they don't wonder where you are okay?"  
  
Emma nodded and smiled, excited to know her mommy and daddy had come. Joan had met Emma's parents, Rachel and Greg, and they were wonderful people who loved their daughter fiercely. Emma hugged Joan and then hugged Lexi and gently kissed her on the forehead, "I'll come visit you later if I can, I'll see you later Joan."  
  
"Okay Emma, see you later sweetie." Joan said as Sarah helped Emma off the bed and helped her make her way into the hall. Once back in the room, she turned to Lexi.  
  
"As for you Miss Alexandra, you are a big sister."  
  
Lexi's eyes lit up, "I am??"  
  
"Yep, your mom had the baby about an hour ago. Maybe Joan would like to take you across the bridge to meet her?" There was a long enclosed bridge that connected the Children's and Adult hospitals.  
  
Lexi looked to Joan, "Will you Joan?"  
  
"Of course, if it's okay with everyone else."  
  
Sarah nodded, "It's fine, just take her oxygen and bring her back a little later. Let me unhook her from these fluids, she's done for now. She has to meet her new sibling. Her mother is in room 501 on the 6th floor."  
  
"Alright, no problem." Joan said waiting for Sarah to unhook all of Lexi's tube. She'd never seen so many tubes in her life, but they were necessary in preventing too many sticks and collapsed veins. After Sarah left, Joan wrapped Lexi up in a blanket and picked her up.  
  
"Shall we?"  
  
"We shall." Lexi said giggling as she rested her head on Joan's shoulder.  
  
As Joan and Lexi left the Oncology floor, Joan noticed people recoiling at Lexi's appearance. She chatted with the child, hoping Lexi wouldn't notice.  
  
"So Lexi, do you think you have a brother or a sister?"  
  
"I don't know, I hope I have a sister though."  
  
"Yeah, I always wanted a sister. I got two brothers, don't worry though, even if you do have a brother you'll love him just the same."  
  
"I know." Lexi said. Joan could feel her little hands on the back of her neck and the rise and fall of her chest against Joan's. Her breathing was somewhat labored, but the oxygen seemed to be helping a good bit.  
Once reaching room 501, Joan knocked softly on the door.  
  
"Come in." A tired but happy voice called from inside.  
  
Joan turned to look at Lexi and found herself staring straight into the child's piercing green eyes. She ran her hand up and down the child's back, "You ready?"  
  
Lexi nodded excitedly and Joan walked in. Sitting on the bed was Lexi's mother, holding a wiggling pink bundle.  
  
"Hi honey, this is your baby sister." Joan placed Lexi on the bed and she crawled to her mother's side.  
  
"She's cute." Lexi said, reaching for the baby's hand, she was in a total state of awe.  
  
"Of course she is, she looks just like you." Her father said, kissing Lexi's baldhead.  
  
"Would you like to hold her?" Lexi nodded eagerly as her mother gently handed her the baby.  
  
"She's beautiful, congratulations, what's her name?" Joan asked  
  
"Well, we were going to let Lexi decide that."  
  
The child looked at her mother, "Really?" Her mother nodded.  
  
Lexi thought for a moment, "How 'bout Faith?"  
  
Her mother smiled, "I think that's a perfect name, what do you think little one?" Baby Faith burped, showing her approval.  
  
Lexi's father handed Joan a camera, "Would you mind taking a picture of us?"  
  
"Of course not." Joan said, startling from her thoughts. She held back the tears as she looked at the picture before her, a new life beginning just as another one was coming to an end much to soon.  
  
After visiting for a little while, Joan and Lexi said there good-byes and Joan carried the child back to the Oncology floor. She gently tucked her into the bed where she had spent much of the past year.  
  
Lexi reached out and grabbed Joan's hand just as she turned to leave, "Thanks for taking me to meet Faith Joan."  
  
Joan smiled, "Thank you for letting me take you to meet Faith, she's lucky you're her big sister."  
  
Lexi smiled, "I'm lucky you're my friend."  
  
"Not as lucky as I am." Joan said, bending to kiss the child's forehead. "Get some sleep sweetie." Lexi had already started to fall into slumber, her labored breathing becoming somewhat more regular.  
  
"Goodnight Joan." She whispered.  
  
"Goodnight Lexi." Joan turned and left the room.  
  
When Joan walked onto the Oncology floor the next day she could feel something in the air, and she knew something was wrong as soon as she saw Sarah's face.  
  
"I'm glad you're here Joan." The nurse said taking her hand. "Lexi died last night."  
  
Okay, sorry it took so long, I'll try to write more a little later, so be on the lookout tomorrow. I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, I'll leave ya'll sitting on it. Please review. "I've Learned" excerpts taken from www.stjude.org Chaplain Lisa Anderson 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 -I'm out of school so these should come much quicker READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!  
  
Joan didn't stand around long enough to hear anything else that Sarah said. She took off down the hall towards Emma's room, unshed tears stinging in the back of her eyes. She arrived to find Emma's door closed.  
  
"Hey Em." Joan said, peeking her head in the room. She saw Emma lying in her hospital bed looking as tiny as ever.  
  
"Hi." Emma whispered, Joan looked at Emma and noticed her big blue eyes were even a deeper more brilliant color blue because she'd been crying. "Lexi's gone."  
  
"I know baby."Emma opened her arms to Joan like a toddler who wanted to be picked up and Joan slowly walked to her and carefully climbed into the hospital bed where she cradled the little girl. Joan couldn't hold back her tears any longer, and she started to cry along with Emma. After a long while, Emma's sobs quieted and she spoke.  
  
"Joan?" The child said in between hiccups.  
  
"Yeah Emma?"  
  
"What happens if I don't get better like Lexi didn't get better?" Emma's question sparked a realization in Joan, not only did Emma lose her best friend, but some of the hope that lived inside Emma that she would one day be cured of the beast that threatened her life had also been lost. Emma was facing the scary realization that she too could die.  
  
"I don't know Em."  
  
Emma shrugged, "I guess I'll just get to meet God a little sooner than everyone else."  
  
Joan didn't say anything she simply nodded. She was having a very hard time believing in a God who would give children cancer or take the life of a little girl on the eve of her sister's birth.  
  
"Don't be mad at God Joan."  
  
"I'm not." Joan said, taken aback by the fact that Emma had pretty much read her mind.  
  
"Yeah you are, mommy and daddy were mad at God for a long time after I got sick. I heard them talking about it. Cancer makes people mad at God."  
  
"I guess it does."  
  
"But I'm not mad at God."  
  
"Not ever?" Joan was amazed by the child's unshakable faith.  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, you little one, must be much more mature than I am, because sometimes I can't help it."  
  
"Cancer made me sick but it also gave me a lot of good things too. I've gotten to do lots of stuff since I got cancer."  
  
Joan nodded and realized that Emma's parents had spent the last three years of their daughter's short life trying to cram in all the living they possibly could while also trying to rid their daughter's body of the cancer that had taken over it. A knock at the door startled both Emma and Joan.  
  
"Come in." Emma said in a tiny voice. A nurse walked in and smiled sadly.  
  
"Hi sugar pie. I just have to start this chemo going okay?"  
  
"Can Joan stay?"  
  
"Of course." Joan moved to the chair beside the bed and took Emma's hand. She watched as the nurse quickly and efficiently prepared everything and, if it was even possible, she reached a new level of respect for everyone on the pediatric oncology floor. Even though they too had lost someone special, life still had to go on. There was little time to cry or grieve.  
  
"Callie?" Emma said looking up at the nurse.  
  
"Yes honey?"  
  
"Do you think Dr. Leigh will give me a pass to get out of here for a day so I can go to Lexi's funeral on Saturday?"  
  
Callie nodded, "I'm quite sure that could be arranged."  
  
"Are you gonna come Joan?" The small girl turned to her friend.  
  
Joan though about it for a minute, a little turned off by the though of watching a 7 year old be put in the ground. "Yeah, if you want me to Em."  
  
"I think Lexi would have wanted you to."  
  
"Well, then I'll be there."  
  
Callie smiled as she finished hooking up the last of the tubes coming out of Emma, "If you need anything just call okay? I think Mallory from Child Life is going to come by in a little while to talk to you."  
  
"'Kay." Emma said, waving sweetly to Callie.  
  
"This guy's new huh?" Joan said pigging up a brightly colored stuff Hippo from Emma's bed. "He looks familiar."  
  
"Yeah, that's Tubby, he was Lexi's, her mommy and daddy gave him to me."  
  
"That was nice of them."  
  
"Yeah, they said so I'll always have a piece of her." Joan nodded, "Hey Joan, will you cuddle me?" Emma asked, tears beginning to well in her eyes again.  
  
"Aww, come here sweetie." Joan carefully picked up Emma and sat down in the chair beside her bed, where Emma quickly fell in to a much-needed slumber. She looked at the child's pale skin and bald head, and wondered to herself if this was the work of God or the Devil. The children of cancer suffered endlessly most often only to die. Joan was so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear the footsteps in the room.  
  
"Hi." Mallory whispered, gently touching Joan's shoulder.  
  
"Hey." Joan responded just as quietly.  
  
"I see she's asleep, her parents said she was up all night, I can come back later."  
  
"Wait..." Joan reached up with her free hand and grabbed Mallory's hand. "Can I talk to you?" Mallory's brown eyes were sweet and sympathetic.  
  
"Of course." She whispered, taking a seat on Emma's bed.  
  
"Em said she's going to Lexi's funeral, do you encourage that?"  
  
Mallory smiled sadly, "It depends on the parents Joan, some do feel that it's better for the child if that's what they want. It's the same with the staff here, most go to funerals, but some don't. It all depends on the person."  
  
"Should I go?"  
  
"Do you feel like you'd like to say goodbye to Lexi?"  
  
Joan nodded, "I've just......never been to a funeral for a little kid before, I mean, it's different when a child dies."  
  
Mallory nodded, "A lot of parents don't even call them funerals, but instead, Celebrations of Life. They have balloon releases and stuff like that, celebrate the things their child accomplished instead of things they didn't."  
  
Joan felt a tear creep down her cheek, and Mallory lifted a gentle and caring hand to wipe it off. "Does it get any easier?"  
  
"Never, but I keep doing this knowing that some day some of these kids will be graduating from high school or college and thanking us for taking care of them. That though helps me through the ones who never will be able to do that."  
  
"Will you be there? At the funeral?"  
  
Mallory nodded, "I like to say goodbye. Plus, I mean I'm not required to, but being a child life specialist and supporting the family doesn't stop when a child dies, or even when a child gets better." Mallory looking at Emma for a second, "Oh, I almost forgot what I came for." She said handing Joan a picture of Lexi and a flyer.  
  
"What are these for?"  
  
"Well, that picture is for little Miss Emma, I know she wanted to put it up on our Angels board. And the flyer is for our special yearly prom it's Monday. We get dresses and cute little tuxes donated for all our little ones and they have a grand old time."  
  
"Guess some of these kids don't ever make it to prom do they?"  
  
"They make it to this one." Mallory said with a soft smile. "I've got to run Joan, but tell Miss Emma I came by and that I'd like to talk to her later if she feels like it."  
  
"Thanks Mallory." Mallory nodded and left. Joan sat with Emma in her lap for hours before the child woke up.  
  
"Hey sleeping beauty. Look what Mallory brought you." Joan said, showing Emma the picture of Lexi.  
  
Emma smiled sadly, "Let's go hang it up."  
  
"Okay sweetie, let's."  
  
Joan carried Emma out into the hall by the Survivors and Angels boards and watched as Emma kissed the picture of her best friend and her tiny hand gently attached the photo to the wall.  
  
"Bye Lexi," she whispered, almost inaudible "You fought the good fight."  
  
By the time Emma's parents showed up, Joan was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She bid a quick goodbye to them and promised Emma she would be back tomorrow. She couldn't get on to the elevator fast enough, and was grateful to get outside. As soon as she exited the hospital, she found someone she never expected.  
  
"Adam?"  
  
"Joan....."He said softly turning to her. "Look, Grace told me about that little girl..."  
  
Joan didn't give Adam a chance to answer, she buried her face in his chest, and he slowly wrapped his arms around her, gently massaging the small of her back.  
  
"Shhhh, it's okay," He said, trying to comfort her, "I'm here now."  
  
"Don't ever leave me." She said sobbing, the events of the day finally setting in.  
  
"I won't Jane." He said, gently kissing the top of her head.  
  
"hey," she whispered softly, "you called me Jane."  
  
Adam smiled, "Yeah, I guess I did." 


	6. Chapter 6

Joan walked into the hospital on Saturday and headed straight for Emma's room.  
  
"You look nice Joan." Callie commented.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"I didn't know you were coming in today."  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm going with Emma to the funeral." Both Adam and Joan's parents had all offered to go with her, but she knew it was the last thing Adam needed after the death of his mother and that it would hit just a little too close to home for her Mom and dad after Kevin's accident.  
  
"Well anyway, I'm glad you're here. Can you help Emma get ready? Her parents should be here soon."  
  
Joan nodded and walked to Emma who was sitting patiently on the hospital bed coloring.  
  
"Hi!" She said.  
  
"Hey Miss Emma, now let's get those PJ's off okay?"  
  
Emma nodded and put her arms up, allowing Joan to gently tug her shirt off. Joan couldn't help but look at her thin, scarred body, the effects of her own private war more evident than ever. She had a device called a Hickman implanted in a vein just above her heart for receiving medications, and from this Hickman hung what Emma called her "tubies". She had scars from previous Hickman's and surgery's. She also had some large bruises. "Time for a Blood Transfusion Emma?" She asked, knowing that the child's numerous bruises were a sign of low blood counts.  
  
"I got one earlier." Emma said as Joan pulled a little black dress over her head.  
  
"Good."  
  
"Hey we match." Emma said innocently.  
  
"Yeah, we kind of do don't we?"  
  
Emma nodded, "So do you want to wear a hat?"  
  
"Nah, Lexi's mommy says bald is beautiful."  
  
"She's right."  
  
Emma giggled, "Lexi's sister came to visit me yesterday, she's real cute and I got to hold her, but she gots more hair than I do and she's only a couple of days old." "Yeah, Faith is pretty cute isn't she?"  
  
Emma nodded, "She's gonna be at the funeral, it's too bad she didn't really get to know Lexi."  
  
Joan hugged the child, "I know it is."  
  
"Hi Joan." Joan turned when she heard the voice of Emma's mother, Rachel. The woman embraced her in a hug and kisses Emma.  
  
"Hey, there's my favorite girl." Greg said, entering the room and picking up Emma.  
  
"Daddy!" She squealed.  
  
Rachel took Joan's hand, "You ready honey?" Her eyes were gentle.  
  
Joan let out a slight laugh, "Yeah right."  
  
Rachel patted her back, "We'll get through this together." Joan greatly appreciated Rachel and Greg's kindness to her, especially when they had their own sick daughter to worry about.  
  
"Hey Em," Rachel said stroking the child's head, "Lexi's parents have invited us to ride in the limo with them, what do you think about that?"  
  
"So I'll get to rid with Faith?"  
  
"Yeah honey."  
  
"And Joan too?" Rachel nodded. "Yeah, I think that's a very good idea, cause I love Lexi's parents and Faith is kinda like a little piece of Lexi ya know?" Emma was extremely smart for her age.  
  
Rachel nodded and kissed Emma's head, "I know sweetie."  
  
"Should we head down now?" Greg asked.  
  
"Yeah, I guess we should, let me just let a nurse know we're taking Emma for a while." Rachel rolled her eyes, "How ridiculous, I have to let someone know I'm taking my daughter for a few hours."  
  
Greg placed his hand on her back "I know." Emma reached out to Joan from her daddy's arms and Joan held her.  
  
"Let's go girls." Greg said as he gently ushered the two out of the room.  
  
Joan sat in silence in the limo between Faith and Emma. Faith was adorable, and Joan could actually see the resemblance between Lexi and Faith. She looked at Lexi's parents, unsure of what to say. Lexi's mother Becca smiled gently.  
  
"It's okay honey, you don't have to say anything, I'm just glad Lexi happened." Joan looked a little puzzled. "I feel so incredibly blessed to have had 7 wonderful years with our beautiful child. She was a force of nature, that's really the only way that I can describe her. I just feel very fortunate to have been blessed to be her mother."  
  
Joan smiled "She was really special."  
  
Emma spoke up, "So, you're kinda sayin' don't cry cause she's gone, smile cause she happened?"  
  
Lexi's father smiled, "Out of the mouths of babes."  
  
"Don't get us wrong, we are absolutely shattered by the loss of our beautiful daughter, but I would not trade in my 7 years with her to mend the giant whole she left in my heart when she left."  
  
Joan nodded and remembered Mallory's words, it takes courage to experience life completely in the middle of indescribable pain. She realized that that's exactly what Lexi's parents were managing to do. Celebrate her beautiful but short life in the midst of her death.  
  
When they arrived at the funeral, Joan carried Emma in after Lexi and Emma's parents, but not before stopping to take a breath, "I've never done this before." She whispered, scared.  
  
"Don't worry," Emma said with the innocence only a child could possess, "I have." 


End file.
